Online House Hunting

What do you think so far of my story?

Granted, I'm only 15 and I only write whenever I'm not forced to do my homework, but I was hoping I could get some constructive criticism for my story. Keyword: constructive, as in helping me out because you are a nice person and can appreciate that others also have a dream of writing--not putting me down if you're jealous or upset for whatever reason or whatever other reason you'd have for being whiny and mean with your comments. Thanks! :) (This is just the first page and a half of my story. I've written more, but, like a sexually ambiguous emo kids, I like to keep everyone guessing.) 1 CLEARWATER, PENNSYLVANIA THE JITTERBUG 9:13 P.M. SATURDAY, AUGUST 7th Clearwater, Pennsylvania was one of those smaller American towns--the kind where the town was small enough for everyone to know everyone but not their personal business, where you could strike up a conversation with the gas attendant that was filling up your car before reluctantly leaving as if you were having to depart from a friend you hadn’t seen in years, and where you could go into one of those small cafés that were delicious and well-priced but didn’t have the same financial backing as, let’s say, McDonald’s and get a generous slice of apple pie, which was, of course, “on the house.” You could ask anyone in an elderly home about the town’s history, and they’d gladly tell you everything you would want to know and they could remember about Clearwater as long as you knew the right times to agree with them, which would mostly just consist of you saying it was a real tragedy when little Bobby, Jr. drowned in the creek or it was wonderful day whenever the doors of Cathy’s Little Café opened. Aiden Barell, unlike the elderly men and women that were sitting in rocking chairs at the retirement home, was only sure about three things when it came to Clearwater. First and foremost, the apple pie at Cathy’s Little Café was delicious. Second, the town was so small that newcomers were easily recognized and someone would somehow tip off the person you were tracking if you were tracking someone, which Aiden most definitely was. Finally, the Jitterbug was the most happening place to be on a Saturday night if you were between the ages of sixteen to thirty-six. IDs weren’t needed; just a good-looking face and enough money in your wallet to pay the bartender a fiver for his services. The music was whatever you requested and the disco ball that was suspended from the ceiling covered dancers in squares of iridescent light. Yes, it was a tad outdated, but it was still popular. “Everybody, put your hands up!” the DJ bellowed into his handheld microphone as he began playing a song by the Cataracs, a band that Aiden knew fairly well since one of his ex-girlfriends (he couldn’t remember if it was No. 8 or No. 13) had been obsessed with them. While the crowd threw their arms into the air, bangles clanging and rings sparkling, and began to sway their well-clad bodies around, Aiden merely lifted his glass tumbler of Scotch and chugged it. His gulps and the bass beats of the song corresponded flawlessly. If you wanna get with me, there’s some things you gotta’ know. I like my beats fast and my bass down low. Bass down low. Bass-bass, bass down low. I like my beats fast and my-- Catch me if you can. Aiden spat out his alcoholic drink, grateful that no one had been sitting near him or watching him as he slowly mopped up the Scotch-and-saliva spill with his napkin. It had only been a trick of his mind, his tipsy, paranoid mind at that, but it still felt as though she had whispered that annoying, little catchphrase of hers into his pierced, left ear. Aiden had shown up ten minutes ago but already felt as though the Axe cologne he’d applied seconds before leaving was already coming off his body in rivulets of stress-induced sweat. It wasn’t so much that a little girl scared him, except for the fact she did, which was pathetic. But she’s not a little girl, Aiden said as his blue-green eyes canvassed the masses of swaying, sweating bodies on the dance floor. A group of leggy, blonde girls were dancing around in a tight-knit circle, their backs to Aiden. The girls were in their late teens at the youngest, and the girl he was tracking could be any one of those snickering, shimmying girls that would almost always double over into hysterics as a guy stopped to look at the group, appearing like he was about to ask one of them to dance, and then left without even saying a word. She’s sixteen but dangerous. Aiden knew that danger all too well.

Public Comments

1. i think the story line and plot are really good. it draws the reader in with a well thought of suspensful drama. but theres something about it that gives it a childlike approach. i think you need to use a different method to describe the town's atmosphere. and sometimes theres such a thing as too much detail. if the gas station is important to the story then its fine but if it isnt then shorten your description of it. i hope this helps
2. Hello friend indeed risk they say is one of the key to success, am Andry Stanchovic by name a business man am from Ukraine , I specialize in the sales of cars and their spell parts,in the early period of this year I was beginning to experience setback in my business . in that period I went to a loan firm here in Ukraine requesting if they can assist me in getting a loan, but they said they can’t assist me in getting a loan because of the amount of money am requesting for and i was confuse because i don't know what to do and i really need the money to put my business back in a proper shape and i even went as far in contacting all my business friends for financial help but what was their responds? i don't have such money so i can't help you, there was faithful when was online i met a friend of mine in turkey called Barrister. Alkaya Tuncay who is a lawyer, And i explain all my difficulties to him and said that there is a financial institute he will introduce me to that they can help me in obtaining a loan,so he introduce me to a loan firm called STABILINI STANBIC LTD. an online loan firm own by top African and Europe business men, at first i doubt that this is not real because there are too many scammed on the internet so it very risk to do business online but he assured me that i should just contact them and see what it will turn out to be because he too have took a loan from them before, so i contacted them requesting for a business loan of $10.5 million, and they replied me back and requested for all the necessary document that will enable me to get loan from them and i present all my document to them. after that with in the period of one week my loan was approved and sent to me the most sweetest thing about them was that they do give a bonus of euro 3,500 to all their customers who requested for euro currency and who can referred 10 people to them before the end of the year, and $4,000 to those who requested in dollars currency. So in case you are in need of a loan of any kind or you are need of financial assistance you can contact the manager of the firm Dr. Antonio Martinez. via Email:stabilini_stanbicltd@hotmail.com. please don't forget to include my name as your referrer to them, you know at lease that $4,000 can be added to boost my business to the next level ha ha ha ha ha ha ......................................i was just kidding, just contact them and get to the next level.