Online House Hunting - Living within your means – When you and spouse disagree?

Living within your means – When you and spouse disagree?

My husband was laid off 4 wks ago. He’s been collecting unemployment but obviously it’s literally less than half of what he used to make weekly. But we’ll take what we can get. We don’t qualify for any assistance with food, with health insurance, nothing. I have made phone calls and looked at applications and my income alone puts us in the “make too much money” category. So, we’re on our own. We’ve cut expenses the best we can. We’ve had no internet, phone or cable for over a year because we can’t afford it. We have a truck payment we’re stuck with because well, nobody wants to buy trucks with gas prices as they were. And with them dropping, nobody has jobs so nobody wants to take over that type of payment. And, we tried checking with CarMax and they’d “take” our truck for $11,000 and we owe about $14,000. So we’d eat that (still owe it to the bank) and have no money leftover to purchase another car. Now comes the bigger issue: Back a year ago my husband was laid off. It put us in a huge financial bind because we had just had a newborn baby and just gone to court for child support. We fell behind on payments when the whole housing crisis officially hit. So we’re in foreclosure but nothing has been finalized as of yet. Our house has been listed for sale for over a year and we’ve had tons of offers and almost sales. But because the banks are swamped, we’ve had 5 buyers walk due to waiting. We would call and call the banks to push our sale along but everyone’s mailboxes are full. And the cycle repeats. My realtor called my husband today and asked him a question. Somehow the topic came up that we COULD save our home because they can slash our mortgage payments in half. And they can work with us. My husband wants to keep the house and I’m a bit weary because we simply can’t afford it. He has no job, no income, to assume you can afford this and put yourself right back in that same BAD financial spot isn’t going to do you any good. So because I fear we can’t afford it, I say no. Because he can’t accept what’s been happening, he wants to keep it. I don’t know how I can put this into words for him. He flat out won’t listen to me. The only advantage is that in order to “save” our home I assume they’d need both of our signatures in order to make it happen. I won’t sign if I’m not comfortable. He hasn’t had a job in 4 wks, hasn’t really looked (my opinion). And so now that he knows about the chance to save the home, he says he’s looking. WTF? I need advice on how I can get through this. I absolutely don’t know what more to say or how to get my point across. And I’m looking for advice because as a married couple, this is something we need to do together. We need to be on the same page. And let me add, my husband has NEVER had to deal with money or be responsible about it. Please advise how I can speak to my husband about this. I'm at my wits end. Thanks! I have the Dave Ramsey book. I’ve read it myself. But with my husband not being on board, it’s VERY hard to do. Remember he said the “spit and shake”? Well if my husband isn’t working with me here, I’m not sure how I can make it all happen. I did just recently ask him again, now that he’s home with no job, if we could try this Ramsey thing together. But still no answer. Which I think gives me my answer. Do you think Ramsey's Makeover can be done alone without my husband working with me? Why in the world would you take the step to say YES to affording a home that you clearly cannot afford? We can’t live off my income alone. And my income alone sure as hell won’t pay the bills. If we could afford the house, hey, by all means, let’s save it. But the reality is that he has no job, no income, and to assume we’d be okay for when he finds a job, well that’s basically repeating the same of what happened before. We live in FL. Is that one of those states? My husband’s child support case really isn’t your business. But if you must know, it’s not for my son. It’s for the daughter he just found out he had. The mother kept her a secret for her own good and then it came out a little bit ago. We took her to court. Hence why we pay child support. I DO work full time thank you very much. My husband should have to find ONE job before I take on TWO jobs. I’ll never see my son. And that doesn’t seem fair to me. I agree with you, he SHOULD be delivering pizzas or working at CVS or Home Depot. I can’t force him to do anything. I work, I do my share of contributing but it’s a two way street.

Public Comments

Buy yourself a copy of "The Total Money Makeover" book by Dave Ramsey. That book has the answers to what you're asking.
Depending on how much your house payment is you should go for it! Renting is way expensive and if you don't rent were are you going to go? Live with one of your parents?! That's a bad idea! Yes it will help you save up and get on your feet but who is going to lend with someone with your credit history?! Yeah when you sell the house it will show the debt paid in full but they will still see that a foreclosure was set into motion! Not to mention it will put more stress on your relationship then there already is! Just keep your head up, something will come along for your husband and you will catch up! Even if he has to be a walmart stock boy at least its something!
First, if you live in a community property state, either spouse can encumber or sell the house without the other spouses permission. So you may not have a choice. If you want to try a scheme on your own, you certainly can, because you can encumber and sell your house without his consent in a community property state. For most schemes to work, a spouse must be at least neutral. It is sure to fail if one spouse works against the other.
I am in a very similar situation as yourself. We've been living VERY frugally for about 3 years now, though my husband has been working and I've been stay-at-home. My husband is a loan officer in the mortgage industry and will be laid off on Friday. We won't qualify for any aid, either. From everything he's told me, re-financing for most people IF they qualify nowadays, doesn't help them as much as they think it will. Even if it seems to help RIGHT NOW, usually there is some "catch" that leaves them paying more later. I'm not 100% sure, but be VERY, VERY WARY of this kind of thing. You're right that it will require both your consent and signatures on this, if the home is in both your names. Even if it isn't in both your names, I'm pretty certain that your income will be considered in the process of the re-structuring in of your loan. Get informed and stand by your gut. Be sure to read all the paperwork's fine print before signing anything and be sure you understand ALL the math for the re-structuring; this is what catches alot of people up and causes them unbelievable trouble in the end. The person trying to sell you on the re-structuring (a) makes a commission, (b) is probably also struggling financially, and (c) having a hard time making his or her own quotas at work. Those things don't necessarily mean that that person is intentionally trying to stiff you, but ALL our friends are in this business, not just my husband, and I can tell you sometimes they will do whatever they can to meet their quotas and make a paycheck. Bless their hearts (because we're in it), they're just trying to make a living, too, but I'm telling you the very best thing you can do is to get informed and stay informed. Your state's commissioner of banks (or the office thereof) polices the mortgage and banking industry and they might have some resources for you, but the library or bookstore will also. The laws, rules, and actual loan programs change so frequently that it's hard to keep up with. Start with the Dummie's Guide to Mortgages (there might even be one for re-financing specifically) just to become familiar with alot of the terms they're most likely throwing at you. Most people get burned simply because it's so complex and intimidating they don't bother to learn the stuff before signing the papers. I wish you luck and if you want to e-mail me, I might be able to offer more information, living frugal advice, etc.
Sounds to me like your husband is just going to have to get over it. If you show him on paper you simply cannot afford it and he still wont change his mind then oh well. tell him you understand he's "looking" for a job BUT we do not have a job at the moment to pay for it. That you cant just HOPE he'll find a job and go on that. i think you are going to have to stand up and be the mature one here. Good Luck
Will re-financing a bad loan into another bad loan actually accomplish anything? Though it's too late for you, I always advise two-income families to live well below their maximum means - and have a big cash cushion - just in case something like this happens. And why isn't the hubby delivering pizzas, hauling firewood or washing dishes? For that matter why don't you have a second job? How is it that there is a child support case for your newborn? You had an affair and can prove the baby has a different father? Take in roommates, just check them out carefully.
sounds like to me you and your husband need to sit down and have a long talk!
First, let me say I love Dave Ramsay's stuff. I don't usually read much but when I opened "The total money makeover" to read the introduction I was hooked. 48 hours later I had finished the book and my wife was mad at me because I had spent all weekend with my nose in a book ignoring her (she got over it). Just last night we watched his "dumping debt" DVD and got excited again about getting out of debt. I'm not a psychiatrist but I know a few things about how men (particularly husbands) feel. One of the things that is probably holding your husband back is the feeling that you made this decision without him. Now he's stuck with only 2 options. Option 1 is to go against your decision, without your support, and get hammered by you. Option 2 is to agree with you, which might make you happy, but it will make him feel like you have manipulated him. It will also make him feel like you don't respect his side of things. That's a tough position for a man to be in. He really wants to please you but he doesn't want you to call the shots. My advice is that you back off on your insisting that refinancing is not the answer. I'm not saying you have to change your mind, I'm just saying stop hitting your husband over the head with it every time he thinks about refinancing. Let your husband do his research. Let him do the numbers and see what your new payments will be. Ask him to write a monthly budget that allows for all your living expenses and the new payment, all within the money you currently make. Keep in mind that unemployment benefits are going to end someday. By allowing him to look at the situation objectively, he will probably come to the same conculsion that you have already come to. He will realize that you cannot afford the house when he realizes that he can't write a monthly budget that includes the payments. He will either decide that he agree's with you and that you need to sell the house. Or he will decide that he needs to get off his butt and start delivering pizzas until he can find a real job. Either way, He will feel better knowing that he came to that conclusion by gathering the info and looking at it objectively, not because his wife forced him into it. My wife and I had an argument just last night about refinancing our house. My argument wasn't because I disagreed with her. It was because she had already decided that it wouldn't work out and I didn't feel like I had all the information. The bank gave us one possible senario and said we could go on their website to play with the numbers. I actually agreed with her that refiancing probably won't work for us right now, but I still just wanted to play with the numbers for a while. She was upset because she felt like I was gong against her decision and ignoring her input by looking at the numbers. I was upset because I felt like her decision was a ball and chain that prevented me from just gathering info so I could be even more sure about the situation. I'm not sure if hearing my story is any encouragement, but I sure hope that it was. Good luck, and Merry Christmas.