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I feel lost and dont know where to go from here?

First my wife is filing for divorce. Second, my psychologist gave me a diagnosis today of why I acted the way I did that caused my wife to want a divorce (Post traumatic stress disorder). My wife and I married in October 2002 and was pregnant with our daughter who is now 5 1/2 years old. When we first got married everything was great just like any other marriage. I was deployed to afghanistan in 2003 when my daughter was just 3 months old. The day I left I felt like part of me was being ripped apart. As the airplane was taking off with a tractor trailer and a dump truck chained to the floor of the airplane almost crashed. Somehow we started to gain altitude and stabilized about 2 hours into flight. The flight was 14 hours long to our destination. We landed in the dark so we wouldn't be shot at in flight but we landed just fine. That was my first bad experience. One week into deployment I had to go to view 4 soldiers that just got killed in action and that is when I realized that one of those bodies could be me. As I was standing in formation I felt like I was going to pass out. My heart was racing and felt like running away and ripping my clothes off. Somehow I was able to stand in formation until it ended. I went to the clinic to see if I was having a heart attack. The doctor gave me 2 ekg's because he did not know why my heart wanted to come out of my chest. After a few hours my heart rate came down a bit. That is when the doc diagnosed me with an anxiety attack. Ever since then I continued to have these attacks even when I came home. I rushed to the hospital 5 to six times since I came home in 2004. I did not notice that I had shut down from everyone when I was there and when I came back home. I spent 11 months in country with rocket propelled grenade landing close to my tent. When I came back home I was always misserable, I argued a lot, nothing made me happy, did not want to be around people, did not want to see people, spend too much money and everything bothered me. I was never aware of what I was doing to my family until my wife just had it with me and seperated in August 3 of this year. Since then I have been out of control trying to get her back but that just drove her more away from me to the point she hates me. My behavior was never intentional and never meant to hurt her. I am getting the help I need to improve my condition. I want to be happy again and make my family happy but I think is to late. I understand why she wants nothing to do with me but it hurts not to have her in my life just like it was before I was deployed. She now wants to move on and begs me to move on. Our house is for sale she moved to her grandmother and any day now I should be receiving the divorce papers. If any female or male have a significant other that is in the service please do not turn your back to them unless they are abusing you. Get them help because we needed. We went through a traumatic event and we need help. I am now preparing to start my life over again.

Public Comments

1. stay strong and never give up. good luck!
2. Keep trying. I feel like your wife should have been a lot more understanding to your condition and what you went through. Something like that is very hard to get over. I would say get the help you need and if she still don't want you, pray for the right woman. When you took vows, you said for better and worst and this was a worst time and she should have endured with you. I am terribly sorry this happened to you and you are in my prayers.
3. Good luck with everything! I'm so sorry about you're experience. I hope everything goes well!
4. im so srry to hear that.... but so proud of you too! keep your head up n continue getting help ....ull be happy again trust just work towards moving on n finding someone that makes u happy again,
5. It sounds like you have made an excellent start to getting your life back; it is not the same life or one you wanted but it is your life nonetheless and you can move on and be happy again in time. You're getting the help you need which is great, and you can see your daughter when you work out visitation and you can go out and meet new people and find someone who will love you unconditionally and understand and sympathize with what you have gone through. When I was at one of my lowest points I volunteered at a local marinelife sanctuary only intending to do it until I felt better but I wound up staying there for two years because I loved it so much. When you're doing something like volunteer work (can be anywhere, a hospital, nursing home, museum, zoo, etc) you feel good about yourself, you're giving your time to help others and you meet many really interesting and worthwhile people and expanding your horizons and you fell less alone and empty, this gives you purpose and it can only be a few hours a week (or more if you like it).
6. I understand your pain but, you sound a little selfish and that's not fair. I am pretty sure she was hurt when you left because a part of her was leaving and she had to care for your child all alone. Then you come home and was basically miserable and argumentative. That might have just driven her away. However you are married and she should have stayed and helped you get the help you needed but if you knew that you needed that help and you were moody and mean then maybe you should have been went to the Doctor before you drove her away. Sorry that your marriage did not work out but maybe you should just let her go but at least try and be friends for that sake of your child. Good Luck!
7. wow. I am so sorry. My mother is a psychologist with the VA ( Veterans Administration), and dealing with victims of PTSD from the war is her specialty.. I am all too familiar with what you are going through. I hear such horror stories all the time, unfortunately. It is a shame your wife was not there 'for better or worse', till death do you part. Continue on with your treatment, and stay strong. If she was not there for you in the end, as hard as it is to hear.. she was not the one for you. You owe it to yourself to get better, pick yourself back up, and get back out there. Best of luck to you..
8. hey, cheer up! well it obviously its very late to fix things up and i wish you had been aware of yourself and your behavior a long time ago but the good thing about you is that you do know that you are wrong, ok divorcing is natural and obviously your wife has had enough and wants to move on her self so just let her do what ever pleases her i mean shes not to blame, you should also move on and start a relationship to get your mind off the problems your having as for sadness does not make things better especially with your medical issues, if however you still do and want your wife back there could be more than 90% for the two of you to re unite together because however you do have a child between you and her, but you have to do everything to show her that you will change to the better, you and her need to have a serious chat about your relationship and just admit everything to her exactly what you have written in this question, you could even tell her that she do sent have to move in with you right away she could take her time that way she can make sure that she feels you have changed, but if she has moved on which obviously means met someone new then it is to late.
9. It is NOT possible to start life over again. My life is also screwed up, though for another reason, and i find that i am alone now :) Absolutely:)))) And the thing is with soceity- you are only needed when you match their expectation, otherwise your trash to them. Like ants- you may step on a few of them and kill them, and they will remove their bodies out of the way, so they can keep walking on the same path. And it is the same with people. They will feel sad and move on, and the ones that don't, then oh well, they don't. (reference to Viktor Tsoi's song should be here for the above) I have been struggling with the same idea of starting over for the past few years(!!!) Now i understand it is not possible... it is not... just have to accept that there is no start over, but thats ok.. there is no choice!!! And, last but not least, imagine the life of Afghan people living in their own country- having their families, kids, parents, being killed, the same way you saw the other soldiers die- and you will undetsrand why they dont want foreign intervention there!!!
10. Thank you for the details. I totally understand you and anyone with half a heart does too...this chick just never had half a heart. You are a wonderful wonderful man and that explains absolutely everything...why you can never find a good man...it's cuz THEY AREN""T HERE! They are off fighting in a foreign country to protect our freedom from the Mad Planes Disease that has been plaguing us....!!!! You are forgiven and absolved of everything you ever did while you were there and when you came back and what you will do in future, my sir, live your life and be happy, noone in America deserves it more than you and yours...
11. you have a good point. i am deploying next week and my husband has been deployed exactly a year ago meaning it's going to be at least 2 yrs apart. we have so many problems and a 7 month old child. i can't help but think he's going to divorce me when he gets home and sees he doesn't have to wait on me. this past year was so hard on us idk how we are going to make it. i have faith in us but he just says... we will see. it breaks my heart.