Online House Hunting

here r sum jokes (might of herd them b4 cuz i cant rememba wether i posted them or not)?

1. A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -”Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!” 2.Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things. He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum." Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FiCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)" Billy shakes his head as YES. Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a crock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel." Billy shakes his head YES. He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight. When he gets there he askes this guy... "Could you hold my bum and fick it while I get my crock and spank it" 3. Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?’”The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.” 4. A man absolutely hated his wife's cat, and decided to get rid of him one day. So he drove the cat 20 blocks from home and left him at the park. As he was arriving home, the cat was walking up the driveway.The next day he drove the cat 40 blocks away. He put the dreaded beast out and headed back home. When he pulled up in the driveway, the cat was sitting on the front porch.He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him back home. Finally he drove the cat several miles away, making frequent turns, across bridges and rivers, until he decided the cat would never find his way home, and put the cat out.Hours later the man calls home, "Honey, is the cat there?""Yes, why do you ask," the wife answers.Frustrated, the man says, "Put the little shit on the phone, I'm lost and need directions." 5. Homer Simpson, praying Heavenward: "I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!" 6. To set the scene, Marge is expecting her third baby... Marge: "I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger house." Homer: "No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21." Marge: Won't that warp him? Homer: "My cousin Frank did it." Marge: "You don't have a cousin Frank." Homer: "He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think her name is Mother Shabubu now." 7. Q: What’s the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop

Public Comments

1. omg that is effin hilarious!!! save me superman!!!
2. 1 and 3 got me laughing xD
3. lol. i enjoyed the blonde one with the bull.
4. HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! effin hilarious! i almost passed out laffin @ the 4th one!
5. OMG.. this is too funny..star for you..
6. STAR fantabulous in every way.......one tries to be serious & not even smile but by the end he ends up laughing.
7. Those were pretty good